welcome to the ganyspace

an unfiltered box for me to say things

3.23.26 - I didn't get much of anything done today except this new layout I had been wanting to work on. I noticed how on my main qrvsh page, I do enjoy the life updates but.. there's not as much depth to them as I'd like.
It's easy to focus on the good things while I'm pregnant, and I do think that should be my main train of thought for her sake. But I'm still human, I still need to vent and recalibrate. So, I created this subsection. The ganyspace, my personal corner of the interent to scream, cry, laugh, and pray through the day-to-day. I'm not perfect, nor am I trying to be, but I know as long as I keep God in my heart and let Him guide my steps, everything else will fall into place, no matter how scattered it all may seem right now.
There's so much to get done before the MV con next month, and I was supposed to start working on the brochure today but.. just wasn't feeling it. I love what I do, I really do, but even when I take breaks it still doesn't feel like a "break". I get exhausted from our main job as well, and then I feel bad for that because of what that job entails. I don't know what I need, but I'm grateful that in these moments I'm able to step away and not check my phone because I have the greatest excuse! Then I feel bad for using pregnancy as an excuse LOL. They weren't kidding when they spoke about pregnancy hormones, I just feel tired and exhausted. My patience grows thin quicker, I have no time to entertain people anymore. I don't text, I don't call. I just, don't know. But I know I'm excited to be a mom, I still can't believe it's real. I pray with all my heart I'll be the best mom in the world. Mine did a great job with me, and I've learned a lot from her. Maybe I'm overthinking things. Maybe I just need an indoor pool to lay in and enjoy some peace and quiet. Are there any real-life liminal spaces, or is that just a dream?

Our good family friend passed away earlier this month, and it was over the weekend while we were at the beach that we found out. It hit hard, and despite being in such a sunny and lively place, the whole trip had a melancholic, unshakable feeling to it. I'm hurting, it was so sudden; he died from cancer that no one had any idea about whatsoever. The need to hold loved ones near while also needing my own space, how can I do that? That's the million dollar question. I pray for peace right now, as well as comfort for my friend's family in this time of pain. I think I've run away from deep grieving for so long, I don't know how to do it anymore. Sheesh! Sorry, I hadn't intended for this to come out like word vomit, but I gotta admit, it does feel a lot better to let it go.

what is existence in the absence of a creator?

In my life I've known people of all walks; real estate agents, game developers, business owners, etc. All so hard working and dedicated, all so committed and highly skilled. What's something they've had in common? At least, the ones considered the most successful? This may come at a surprise, but arguably what sets these people apart are their faith.

They have a strong sense of community and a network of close friends and family that they can call on for everything and anything. These loved ones share the same faith. Is it God that unites us? What happens when someone doesn't believe in God? Or worse, when someone DOES believe there's a God, but has purposefully chosen to dive back into the world?

What is the "Call of the void"?

You've Felt It Before
Standing at a busy intersection.
Peering down the edge of a cliff.
Speeding down an empty highway.

The call of the void is a phenomenon where a person has a sudden, inexplicable urge to engage in dangerous, self-destructive behavior, such as jumping from a height or swerving in traffic despite having no actual desire to do so.

It's so funny right? Like, why are our brains like this! I can absolutely say I've felt this fleeting urge after a long hike and we reach the top of the cliff. While I'd never in a hundred lifetimes commit to such an act, the thought comes into my mind. And as quickly as it arrives, it's gone. In all honesty, have you ever felt something like this? I wouldn't even call it a feeling, more of an intrusive thought passing by. "hey, that's a nice butterfly, those are pretty flowers, there's a fast car driving by let's pop in front of it!". It may seem nuts, and honestly it really is! But I think it would be even more nuts and detrimental if we didn't talk about these things. Our brains, despite popular belief, are not our true control centers. Rather, we're simply the observers of the thoughts. The brain is a scattered chatterbox, and we can choose to not listen to it. Just passively observe, witness, then go about our days. Did God intend for our brains to become what they are now, or were we supposed to just be crabs or some sh*t? LOL